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THE AWE INSPIRING HAPPYLIST!
BY: You guessed it, Rikki
Hi there folks. It has been a while since I have written an article, so here I am writing one. I do have an accuse, however, see I am SICK. I mean ill, I mean very ill. I had that good ole pneumonia. I did not just have pneumonia, but double pneumonia, meaning that I am happy to be able to sit in one place and move my fingers without passing out. I want no sympathy. It is because of my illness that I experienced a great and wonderful epiphany. It is your great privilege to learn what I have learned.
THE KEYS TO HAPPINESS
Home: Yes this is the most logical key to happiness. We must have some place that we sleep and perform activities better left private. The type of home is what causes us to locate our personal rub.
NYC- A studio apartment in Manhattan, watch out for rent control. Other than that, there is nothing wrong with New York. Live there for a while, eat pizza and a few soft pretzels. Go watch RHPS, then when you cannot sleep because you feel there is too much to do, leave.
L.A.- I really don’t know and don’t really care. I don’t like L.A. that much, and no offence to those who live there. I am an ignorant person and I promise that if I go and like it, I will write an apology letter. Till then, my advice to those who live there; make sure you’re not living in a box, or living in Melrose, a roof and four walls will work.
Hawaii- A nice two-level home with oceanfront propertyand happy Gay men, if you don’t have the money, don’t live there.
North Carolina- What are you doing? Get out!
Italy- A villa by the shore. Don’t forget that you need a nice Italian servant who beckons to your every call: "Mario bring me my olives!"
Great Britain- I mean all of Great Britain... You have to live in a castle, there is no choice.
China- A home bigger than a refrigerator box. Good luck.
Africa- I don’t care who you are, the message is the same. LEAVE BEFORE YOU GET IN A WAR.
Australia- Everywhere except for the place survivor was filmed.
Saudi Arabia- If you are American and like oil, what are you doing? Do you want to be the next hostage?
Anywhere else in the world- excluding the following: South Carolina, Mexico City, West Virginia, Israel, Greenland, and Antarctica. Your home usually includes walls and stuff. Never look over your fence, if you have one.
Form of transportation: Hey, you got to have some type.
Car- 67 Shelby Mustang, with car alarm. Any BMW, Jetta, Buick Station Wagon
SUV- Wait till petrol prices go down.
Flight- No blimp! I cannot for the life of me figure out why people think blimps are so cool. Goodyear what were you thinking? A plane or a jet will suffice. If you have the money to buy one make sure that it is up to your standards. I suggest looking at Austin Power’s personalized jet, but beware of the turbulences.
Job: This is very important. If you have ever watched or read fight club, you know that death is better than not achieving your goals.
Acting- This one is popular among the masses. I personally, don’t want to be one, but hey that’s life. You get paid well and most people like doing it. Who doesn’t want to play pretend?
Writing- My personal favourite. You get to lie and get paid for it. You sit on your butt all day and pour out your thoughts. There is nothing better.
Music- Please don’t be in a pop music group, but if you can sing or play any instrument at all, do it. Singing is fun and music is powerful. Hey there are people that bang on trash cans and get paid for it, how cool is that.
Million Dollar Game Shows- Who Wants to Be a Millionaire would be the easiest. Heck, I guess those horrid fly-by-night million dollar game shows work too. Survivor is a last resort.
MTV VJ- I don’t think there needs to be an explanation.
Have a really wealthy relative pass away. Don’t go killing someone, but hey, if you know you are getting a large sum of money in like a year or two. Keep your job at K-Mart till the time comes, then never work again.
Inventor- Make something cool like an endless roll of toilet paper or a drink better than Coca-Cola.
Friend/love interest:
Boys:
THOM YORKE- Like him, but don‘t scare him away. BEN STILLER- I don’t care if he is married he is still on the list. He would be a great friend. ADAM SANDLER- He’s funny and Jewish and he is doing a movie with Wynona Rider, who could ask for more? JOHN STEWART- Funny, Jewish, smart, and has a steady good paying job DAVID HYDE PIERCE- He is gay, but I love gay men, and besides he would make the perfect partner for someone out there. ANTHONY KEDIS- He has style and knows how to have fun. MAX COLLINS- He is here for asphodelli, he is nice, and fun, but he is way too boisterous for me. ROBERTO BENINI- He is the happiest little Italian I have ever seen. KOBY BRYANT- He is very good looking, athletic, and he likes Sprite. EWAN MCGREGOR- He can act, and just recently we learned he could sing, he might be married and have kids, but it could be worse.
DAVID BOWIE- If you look around the website at all you know that David Bowie is our mascot. He swings both ways, for he did say; "I’m Trisexual. I’ll try anything."
STEVEN TYLER- This is for Kiki-San. He is a fun guy though, and his daughters are gorgeous. GRANT HILL- I guess I have a thing for NBA players that like Sprite. KENNETH BRAGNAGH- HAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean he is Hamlet, and the best Shakespearian actor out there. The only reason he is so far down my list (they really aren’t in a order, except for like the first 5) is because he had a relationship with Alicia Silverstone. WES BORLAN- He is so cool. He is fun and he knows when a punch line needs to be delivered. MARSHALl MATHERS- It is obvious why I choose Marshal instead, but then again maybe not. Hum........ ALAN CUMMING- He was the emcee for Cabaret for years. He picks interesting films to be in, but he is precious. KERMIT- Green is a great colour. DAVID DECHOVNY- Did I spell that right? STEVE BUSHEMI- He is always in good films. There are better looking people in the world, okay there a lot of better looking people in the world, but I must say your self-esteem will boost high. ANY OF THE TMNT- Leonardo the best. Raph being next Mickey then Donny. PATRICK STEWART- Picard! Hey we all now that Star Trek Next Generation is the best. SPOCK- Smart and tre cool. JOHNNY LEE MILLER- I love this man. I don’t know why he is so far down the list, but there is nothing better than Sick Boy! ---he is the other guy in the Ewan McGregor pic just in casse you were wondering. JAUQIEN PHOENIX- Same thing as Johnny. There he is popping in my most current favourite film, Quills. VANILLA ICE- Just too fun for words.
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Now that we have finished the very long line of boys we will take a break. To compose ourselves.
There are no better words to descibe those pics. one is a comb david willy the other being my father/birdzilla
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Girls: ANGELINA JOLIE- Tomb raider and Girl Interrupted and a lot more good films. She is beautiful and she gets what she wants. Even though at one time she was married to Johnny, in no way am I upset with her. I mean she did divorce him and marry Billy Bob. WYNONA RIDER- She is one of my heroes. I mean how many great movies has she been in? Heathers, Beatle Juice, Edward Scissorhands, and many more. She grew up on a hippie commune and she is the nicest person ever.
GEANEAN GARAFOLO- Another hero. I mean I don’t even know what to say, she is one of the greatest people out there. She makes you laugh and she is intelligent and beautiful. She is the epitome of fun. BJORK- A creative genius. A highly sensitive and wonderful person. She is cute and I believe that if her and Thom had a child it would be the perfect creation. TORI AMOS- She is as Bjork is. I don’t know about the Thom Yorke part though. I think there would be a few problems. I mean Tori has such an anger streak in her. Tori is hypnotic, I mean you start listening to her and then you can’t stop. She is the almighty musician. TONI COLETTE- She played in a lot of great movies (The sixth sense, Muriel's Wedding, Velvet Goldmine, and Clock-Watchers are just a few) and she can act. There is an odd beauty in her it’s something I don’t think people are looking at, she is unique. JONI MITCHELL- A fun lyricist and an impressive person. Age doesn’t matter. PARKER POSEY- A friend of Alan Cumming and she can act. MISSY ELIOT- She is big black and beautiful. She is one of the smartest rappers out there and when she wants something she takes it. SUSAN SARANDON- A woman that always made a mark on the community. But most important she was in RHPS! MISS PIGGY- She had friends like Gonzo and Kermit. She was one of the first women to make her way as a pop icon in the TV industry.
DEBRA MESSING- Jewish and funny and she plays on Will and Grace. Support you local homosexuals please, they are just too fun. LAUREN HILL- She is beautiful, talented, and she cares. MOLLY SHANNON- Superstar!
MIRA SORVINO- She was in one of the best 90’s movies about the 80’s --Romey and Michelle’s High School Reunion. APRIL O’NEIL- She knew what propaganda was, and she had four really cool friends. SHANNON DORIDY- The early 90210 and Heathers, she might be a witch (no Charmed pun intended) but at least she isn’t Alyssa Molano. KATHERINE ZETA JONES- I think I put her on here because of People Magazine, but I’m not too sure. She is really pretty, but I can’t remember if she has been in any good films. JILLIAN ANDERSON- Scully! And unlike her partner she has not been type cast. ERIKA BAUDU- Very extremely superbly talented. She knows how ot wrap her hair too. PUALA ABDUL- Every time I think of this woman I remember this particular music video where she does this rebel without a cause thing, but what gets me is that the rebel is Keanuo Reeves, around the same time that Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure came out. MOLLY RINGWALD- She is what makes the 80’s bearable. ELIZABETH HURLEY- Hey she stayed with Hugh Grant after the whole prostitute thing. Ok that is absolutely no reason to like her. She was in the original Austin Powers, and she was in Permanent Midnight with Ben Stiller. CATHERINE MANHEIM- She is just so cool! She is a great woman and you can’t get someone much more beautiful. LIV TYLER- She played in a group of interesting movies and she has a really pretty mouth, thanks to her dad. MIA TYLER- I think that she is amazingly gorgeous. She has that Steven Tyler look to her also, I wonder why?
LISA KUDROW- Besides Friends, she has always acted in good films, well usually. PERI GILPEN- Roz! She is on Frasier, that’s enough. MADONNA (FROM THE 80’S)- It all has to do with what she did. I mean there was Like a Virgin, There was Lucky Star, There was Like a prayer; it did so much. I do not for any reason condone what she is doing now, I never Vogued or tried those pointy things.
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ok I thought we needed a little break. What to show you? This is a preview to an on going article about Concord NC look and ask why.
okay, that gun is nothing but an air rifel but hey, welcome to concord!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Animals/Pets: We all need little animals. I mean there are times the human race gets too unbearable.
Shark: I would prefer a Great White, but considering the consequences and the money involved it’s not practical.
Frog: They come in a variety of colours and how many animals out there can stick their tongues as far out as they can?
Birds: I got two. They can talk and carry on conversations, what’s not to love?
Bunny: They are fuzzy, and in Japan they are larger than cars. And they have sex with themselves!!!!!!!!!
Turtle: At one point in time you have to own one and name it after a member of the TMNT, it is destiny.
Cat: Get a hairless one in order to avoid the whole shedding process, but if you are not in the mood for a Mr. Bigglesworth get one with hair. But please, I beg you don’t name it tiger, snowball, rex, fluffy, or Rum Tum Tugger.
Dog: I’m actually one of those people that’s not a dog lover, but I do like a few types. Get a miniature Greyhound, they are really neat, they look like aliens. Big dogs, um get something with a lot of hair and then shave it. They just look so funny without hair.
TV Shows: You have to have them to keep you from going insane.
Frasier: Um, yes there is absolutely nothing better than Frasier. How can one not love Niles Krane? He is the perfect man, you know.
TMNT: Need I ask? There is nothing better out there, in cartoons anyways.
Will & Grace: We need more gay people in our life and in our TV.
Ripley’s Believe it or Not: Seeing what idiots will do for fame reminds us how sane we really are.
Who’s Line is it Anyway?: Ahh, improve. I love you Ryan Stiles!
The Daily Show: Need I ask? Besides, it’s the only news I watch.
Seinfield: Reality cannot be depicted better than what is seen on that show.
The Sopranos: Even though I haven’t even seen a single episode, I know too well it’s one of the best shows out there.
Darkwing Duck: I can only explain it through this quote, "I am the weed wacker in the Garden of Evil."
Gargoyles: I like it. The only complaint is the whole bestiality thing that happens between a couple of the characters, it just seems a little, how can I put this, odd.
Jem: She is excitement.
Heman/Shera: You pick which one, I enjoy both.
Movies: Naturally I had to separate the categories. Television shows are mainly made to entertain the masses while stuffing their minds with every type of commercial possible.
Gremlins: Green gooey things that like Snow White, too fun for words.
Gremlins 2: We get a hodgepodge group of vegetable, spider, googly-eyed gremlins that can sing and dance.
TMNT trilogy: The first is the best. The second is great because Vanilla Ice does a ninja rap. The third, well it completes the trilogy.
Jaws: The big shark with an attitude was a good idea. That movie was what made me love sharks in the first place. I must pay homage to its greatness. Everyone shout to the top of your lungs that JAWS lives on!
Life is beautiful: Its hard to make a movie about the Holocaust funny. Plus I needed to put some sort of foreign film on here.
Trainspotting: I like Irving Welsh and, I love sick boy.
Monty Python and the search for the Holy Grail: I have one word for you; Nee!
Adam Sandler movies: I like them all.
Any Ben Stiller Movie: I wonder why I put that on here. Bad Rikki!
Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure: I hate Pee Wee but one must relive their childhood in order to truly progress. That is my excuse and you aren’t getting anything else out of me.
Rocky Horror Picture Show: There is nothing better than a movie that leaves you in antici......................pation.
The Breakfast Club: If you don’t like this movie you are a mega zoom dweeby.
Edward Scissorhands, Beatle Juice, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Sleepy Hollow, heck even FrankenWeenie: In other words any movie directed by Tim Burton.
Hamlet: Bragnah’s version, or you die, all other versions will kill you.
Star Wars trilogy: Don’t leave home without it.
Bat Man 1-3: The 3rd is the best. Their outfits are cooler looking than the 60’s and 70’s Bat Man.
Any thing from Kevin Smith: Chasing Amy, Clerks, Dogma, and Mall Rats. It’s Kevin Smith, he makes everyone laugh.
Money: Ahh yes the most essential part to this whole happy list. I suggest at least 2 Million dollars. If you don’t have it you won’t be happy.
yes you are reading one of the most cynical people out there, so if you don’t wear black and you like those happy face wal-mart stickers you most likely didnt like this article, but hey either way write me and tell me what you think.
lightning magnets